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Did I Really Say That?!

I was at an art show, talking with someone I hadn’t seen in a while. Catching up. She asked how I was doing and what I was up to these days… I think I started riffing, semi-coherently about the Three Principles (note to self: do not attempt to discuss what can sound like esoteric concepts in noisy, crowded environments). Then I said that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue 1 on 1 coaching because I thought people were tedious. Or maybe I qualified it with some people are tedious. Like that would make all the fucking difference?!

Tedious…. what a haughty little word.

The next day, I was like ‘did I really say that??’

Yep, I really did.

The truth? Of course, there are people who I resonate more strongly with than others. There are people who I will have a better time hanging out with than others. There are people that I would enjoy working with a little more than some others. But I generally like everybody. You have to be a raving bigot or mean or behave in some manner that earns you a write off before I find myself thinking you are distinctly unlikable.

But tedious?

I don’t want to be the type of person who walks around thinking people are tedious. It is such a separator. It certainly doesn’t feel good. So judgmental. And I will tell you, that judgment shit will fly all over me in a hurry. I just don’t think it’s my place. Who really has that right?

Yet I made that comment.

For the life of me, I can’t imagine why. I don’t really, really, really in my heart of hearts feel that people are “tedious”. Fuck, maybe I’m the one who is tedious.

I want to cringe when I think about what I said. However, if I had not said it, I wouldn’t have seen this dark little corner of my mind where the “tedious” thought was hanging out. I wouldn’t have had this opportunity to root it out and see what new thing I had to learn about myself. The separation I created with “tedious”, what is that keeping me from? What fear is “tedious” trying to mask? I don’t know completely yet but I’m looking in that direction. Maybe shining the light of awareness is all that is necessary here. I am all for living the examined life but I don’t want to get so enraptured by my own pseudo psychoanalysis that I’m not living in my present moment, ya know?

What do I want? Well, I think in the end, all I want is to shine my light. To live my happy life. To be true to myself. My errant comment…. what a doozy! But what an opportunity. I’m very grateful I am able to see it.

PS: This is a fantastic example of the kind of thing that will earn you an instant write off. Fucking things up for everybody else with petty stupidity. I very much want to maintain the illusion of separateness when it comes to petty, stupid people.

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