Life is a multi-layered thing… And considering I just wrote about rich layers of happiness but forgot about that until I wrote “multi-layered”, well… that’s just funny!
Or maybe it’s only funny to me…. Moving on.
The last three or four weeks have included a rather stressful component that I cannot name specifically because it involves another human. While I am not opposed to sharing my own life experiments in [what I like to think is] witty prose, I do respect that other people might not appreciate such… transparency.
There was an event that I felt like I should attend. Except I didn’t want to. Well, I did want to but not really. I had my reasons. But because this event was sort of a mandatory thing unless I wanted to be voted “schmuck of the year” I had a lot of thinking about it. Should I go anyway? Why am I considering going if I’m only doing it because it was a “should”? Simple; I didn’t want to hurt the other human involved. But this human didn’t seem to really give two shits about the event either and certainly not for the thing that led up to the event in the first place. So, after a lot of inner debate, I decided not to go.
I have some sweet people in my life who love me too much to say I was being a schmuck even though I’m fairly certain they thought so. I don’t fault them for that. I might have thought the same of them had the tables been turned. I had to grow quite a backbone to stick to my guns on my decision. And why, in the face of all this anxiety, didn’t I just plan to go to the damn event? Because I knew my decision was the right one. I knew it in my heart of hearts and after having a conversation with the aforementioned human, I was even more clear that I had made the right choice.
Besides, some weird stuff was going on while I was still dancing around going with my “should-do-this” self. I couldn’t seem to get anything done. I’d pick up the phone or look something up on the net for a reservation or whatever and suddenly I would become exhausted. Or I would feel like I was trying to run underwater. You know, like when you’re dreaming and trying run away from the bad guy? You’re pumping your legs as hard as you can and getting nowhere fast? Like that. My body was very clearly saying STOP.
Okay, I stopped. But I felt compelled to follow through on a gift purchase and a very long letter into which I poured all my love to the other human. I got the package to UPS just in time for their last pick up of the day. And all while I am doing this I am feeling on fire, like YES, YES, YES!!! Must get this done!! This is for the love!!
The package arrived in the hands of the beloved human who shared their pure gratitude with me. Turns out it made them feel better as they were not actually going to be participating in the event after all. The beloved human got to feel loved up. I got one hell of a lesson in just how fucking odd intuition can work sometimes.
Except, it wasn’t that odd. I want to think it’s odd because it’s hard rely on something so…. unseen and unverifiable? Yeah, it wasn’t always to easy to interpret intuition’s language but I knew it was going to go down the way it did. I could feel it in my bones. It didn’t have anything to do with the human or my faith in the human. I have seen this human do some awesome shit so it wouldn’t have surprised me in the least had all the stops been pulled straight to in-the-knick-of-time-success. It was simply that every time I thought about the event and my absence from it without all the thinking, I felt calm. Like it wasn’t a big deal. It was only after I started arguing with myself and letting myself get strung out on thoughts like how I would look, what other people would think and all that bullshit that the stress started to creep up.
And how did I know I wasn’t just talking myself into something? Come on… That’s easy. We’ve all done that one before. Rationalized… It’s feels slimy and icky and sorta like something to hide. Straight up intuition doesn’t feel that way. It feels clear. Expansive. Like truth. Liberating.
I felt very clearly led by intuition or what I think of sometimes as universal wisdom. The wisdom that is available to guide anyone and everyone willing to just listen. It makes me wonder what would happen if I just listened all the time about every facet of my life and dropped all pretense of drama from the get go. What would happen if I just conducted my life from that universal wisdom that will always tell me everything I need to know, when I need to know it?
Whoa! That’s hard because when I really need to know versus when my scared-silly-rat-brain really needs to know are not on the same time/space continuum. Which means if I want to live my life plugged into the intuitive truth, the only options available to me are trust and faith [of the non-religious variety].
My eyes actually got big when I typed that. Trust?! Faith??! Am I fucking crazy?
But in that fun way that brings me peace and happiness and guides me to share that peace and happiness with other humans I like & love.