In my last blog entry, I said I was diving. Deep is the assumption and the right one. I feel like I have said that before and I probably have. I hope I find myself saying it again and again. I want to experience the richness of human-ship and I feel like that involves layers.
Layers I cannot currently see or anticipate. They can only be experienced as I arrive to each one.
I paint because I enjoy painting. I think it is awesome to start with a white square and let the creative process have its way with both it and I. Do I want to be a full-time artist? Have my work in galleries? Or open an Etsy shop? I might just be painting and pasting and collaging for no reason whatsoever other than it’s fun. I’ve got no clue!
I write because I like see my thoughts in tangible form and I like to do it in all kinds of different ways. Poetry, stories, these blog posts and morning pages. I wrote a book for NaNoWriMo (a whole damn book!) that I have been itching to get back into editing. Even though for awhile, I really thought I was done with it; I thought maybe I’d written it just to see if I could and since I did, I was done. Well… that’s what I get for thinking. ha! Otherwise, I have no stinkin’ idea where my writing will take me.
The coaching… I honestly do not know if I want to coach 1 on 1 or not. I sure as fuck don’t want to do groups or host retreats (at least, that is my current attitude). The thought makes my reclusive, little head spin. The possibility exists that I went through coach training to learn how to coach myself, to get myself to here. But I also know there are a lot of people who are miserable who don’t have to be. It’s heartbreaking to see how many people aren’t doing what they love . Or worse, living a life they don’t even want to be living, forget about enjoying it. Fuck, I used to be one of those people. So I’m absolutely not ready to let coaching go entirely. I might just do it my own way – well, duh! That’s a given! I just don’t know how it’s all going to settle out.
And I’m mostly alright with that. Correction – I – the me writing this right now – am perfectly alright with the unknown. It’s the ego or whatever generates “the great voice of doubt and bad, bad things” that wants a plan. That part of my psyche that is terrified of becoming a bag lady – it wants to know what all this work is for and how it’s going to pay the bills.
I – the me that is writing this right now – am happy just to be doing what I enjoy doing and exploring my creative voice. The bills are getting paid. If I had to find another gig or make one, I know that I could. I am discovering that I have a wonderfully efficient deciding muscle. I am confident that the discipline to see where all this creativity leads is on my side. And I have every faith that following the path that glows (my phrase for paying attention to my heart’s yearnings) will eventually lead to a coalescence of all these different creative parts.
Do I have a “big why” for what currently occupies most of my spare time? Beyond my personal enjoyment? Ya know, I don’t know that I do nor do I necessarily think I need one. I think a “big why” might fuck it all up. I think people come up with a “big why” because it will motivate them to do their work and keep them motivated when they’d really rather cause themselves unspeakable pain then pick up a pencil or a paintbrush. I suspect this because that’s why I would have done it. I had a fairly long affair with the resistance thing but I had to break things off… It required too much energy to maintain the relationship! So one sided! I just want to be an instrument for the creative flow. Because it makes my heart sing. Well shit, look at that… I think that works handily as a “why” right there. I’m going with it.
However, kidding aside, I am solid on what I want for my life. I have it all written down, list style. Maybe someday I’ll show it to you (realizing as I type this that it might even be included in a previous entry that I have forgotten about – which would be funny). I bring it up because it occurred to me check that list today, last edit January 18, 2013, to see if I am still on track or do some things need to change? I see it as a living document, after all, malleable to changing priorities due to the growth of its author. That list is still very much on target. Some things on it shifted to become lower priorities but as a whole, it is still a very clear distillation of what I want my life to look like and represent. One item,
- I want my career to be dedicated to helping people discover that yes, happiness is for them too and through joyous action they can experience a richly lived life.
is a big reason why I share what I write this on this blog. I very much want people to know that happiness is not this elusive thing, available to a select few, but is, in fact, available now to anyone who wants to have it. Joy can be a daily experience. Emotions that we tend to label as negative can be experienced as the rich hurts-so-good part of being a human that makes happiness and joy all the more exhilarating. Life is not that damn complicated. Yeah, shit happens and yeah, we have to deal with it. But life is not the messy conundrum we try to make it be and we as humans have the fantastic privilege of experiencing it at such deep levels. And we most certainly can pursue the things that make us smile. If we want to.
I want to.
I want to be surrounded by other people who want to. Just for the joy of it. (They are more fun and they laugh more!) So maybe while I am having my rich life experience, trying stuff out, slinging paint around, etc. somebody might be inspired to do their own awesome thing. I hope so. When I was kid and for most of my adult life, I didn’t know any of this. I had no idea what incredible possibilities were available, especially in the US – God, we are spoiled for choice! Now I know. Do you want to know? Don’t take my word for anything I’ve written here – see for yourself. Do your own field research. Do something you love, even if it’s just for five minutes a day. Even if the only supplies you can afford are from the Dollar store. The excuses will keep you in the dungeon if you listen; Ignore them and step into the light. Do what jazzes you up a little bit each day and let that momentum build on itself. Don’t sweat it if you have an off day, because you will. I do! Every creative person does. Because, hello! Human experience; We’re still having one. Ain’t it fun?!