FTW, Observations, ow!


I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine physical. The topic of stress came up and I immediately dismissed it. “Stressed?! I’m not stressed. I have no reason to be stressed!” Yep, I actually said that.
My tense shoulders and waking up with a sore jaw from grinding my teeth would say otherwise.
I am experiencing stress.
The funny part is that I knew. I have been all up in my head, caught up in shit-storm of thoughts. My normally quiet mind has been on overdrive lately. Why? Hell, I don’t know. I have some clues but the thing is, as much as I have been taught to believe otherwise, stress doesn’t come from out there (or the stuff going on in life). It’s an internal thing. A message from the body saying hey! you’re caught up in your thinking. Wake up, yeah?
And for the record, I didn’t see this all on my own. I had help. Because I was on a call with Michael Neill. Yes, that Michael Neill. (Squeeeee!!!)
I knew it. But I couldn’t see it. Continue reading


Crazy? Certifiable!

I got this idea to write a book. NaNoWriMo seduced it right out of me. Surprising because I am not (currently or maybe ever) a fiction writer. I thought I might be once. As a kid, when I thought of my grown-up self, I saw her as a writer living in a cabin in the woods. Yep, my grown-up self had cats and she wrote books. I don’t remember when I officially decided to let that vision slide into nothing but I did. I didn’t think about my kid self seeing my grown-up self as a writer until a guy I was dating said, “you’re a really good writer” and “you should do something with that”. It woke the dream right up again. Well, the writing part. I’m a hermit half the time but I’m not ‘cabin in the woods’ material. So, I was happy writing this blog. I have been working on some kind of e-book or e-booklet or some sort of e-publication for my newbie coaching clients; I wanted something to get us all on the same page so that when we began working together we’d be speaking the same language. I completely dismissed the thought of any kind of self-help book because aren’t there enough of those? But maybe a memoir/self-help book would work. I do have my past to draw from. All non-fiction stuff, though. Until I got this idea. And what an idea! It’s epic. Dangerous. Such delicate material. Frankly, the idea scares the shit out of me. So much so that I wanted it to go away. It felt way too big for me to handle. Except I kept having to stop what I was doing to write random scenes and snippets. I only wrote the idea down in the first place to get it out of my head so it would leave me alone. So far, that plan has been about as effective as eating donuts in the hopes of slimming down.

So I figured I’d take it all as a sign. After all, hadn’t I seen that post on Facebook about Scrivener? And it was the second time I saw a reference to that whacked month of writing deal.

Fuck it. I’ll give this novel a month of my life and see what happens with it.

I think it was all of about five minutes before the crippling voices of doubt started raising all kinds of hell. Continue reading

Observations, opinion!, personal


opinionated |əˈpinyəˌnātid|
conceitedly assertive and dogmatic in one’s opinions: an arrogant and opinionated man.

SYNONYMS: she got tired of listening to her opinionated boyfriend: dogmatic, of fixed views, dictatorial, pontifical, domineering, pompous, self-important, arrogant; inflexible, uncompromising, prejudiced, bigoted. ANTONYMS open-minded, flexible.

opinion |əˈpinyən|
a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge: I’m writing to voice my opinion on an issue of great importance | that, in my opinion, is dead right.
• the beliefs or views of a large number or majority of people about a particular thing: the changing climate of opinion.
• (opinion of) an estimation of the quality or worth of someone or something: I had a higher opinion of myself than I deserved.
• a formal statement of advice by an expert on a professional matter: seeking a second opinion from a specialist.
• Law a formal statement of reasons for a judgment given.
• Law a lawyer’s advice on the merits of a case.

SYNONYMS: she did not share her husband’s opinion: belief, judgment, thought(s), (way of) thinking, mind, (point of) view, viewpoint, outlook, attitude, stance, position, perspective, persuasion, standpoint; sentiment, conception, conviction. No antonyms were offered on my Mac’s onboard dictionary.

Check out the definition for opinionated. I have to admit, all this time I’ve been walking the Earth, I have been ignorant of the meaning ascribed to this word in the dictionary. This never came up but prior to looking it up, I would have told anybody who asked that I thought I was very opinionated and proud of it. In my head, opinionated simply meant I had strong thoughts about whatever I deemed worthy of thinking about or talking about. Oops! And look at the definitions for opinion and how they contradict each other. A Google search for “word for having strong thoughts” yielded this page that suggests self-assertive might be the best choice. Other suggestions were non-conformist, free thinker and I’m not the only one who tagged this one as a favorite, perspicacious, meaning having a ready insight into and understanding of things. I find that fascinating, don’t you? That having strong opinions might mean you are a free thinker or a person with ready insight? I like that. I would enjoy having such thoughts about myself – the labels feel like right ones to me. Even if I have a strong distaste for labels. They are so limiting, in my opinion.

Continue reading


My TV Talks to Me

“We’re all gonna die. We don’t get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.”

Good advice, right? Sounds like something you might hear from a trusted friend who can see you’re on the fence about what to do next. Or from a parent. Or your life coach. Interestingly, I heard this while watching the season 10 premier of Grey’s Anatomy. It struck me. Simple truth has that power. And to hear it on mainstream TV? I wonder who else heard it? I wonder if they whispered a soft “no” to themselves in answer to the ‘life you wanna live’ question? Or a resounding “yes!”?

Are you living the life you want to live?
Am I?

I have to admit, I’m in the soft “no” camp. With firm footing in the resounding “yes” territory. A pretty messed up conflict on first glance. Not so complicated when I look deeper. When I get down to the basic truth of my existence, it’s really clear where I’m kickin’ it and where I’m not. I have some places where I could definitely kick it harder. I can see where I am making progress. I can see where I am making excuses. This kind of clarity is so fucking priceless. It’s clear direction of the most honest kind. From my TV. Coincidence? I don’t believe in those. Just another everyday miracle. A little one. One sent along to keep my ass on track. A gift from the gods of Present and Moment. They are everywhere, these miracles, if only you decide to see them. And I want to be a decider. It helps me be just a little less clueless than I would be otherwise.

Deciding is the deal.

So what about you?

“Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.”

Quoted from Richard Webber - ‘Seal Our Fate’ (Season 10, Episode 1 – Grey’s Anatomy)