I did something really dumb yesterday evening. I heard the Christmas parade going on a few blocks from my house and I wanted to go. It was a strange 70ish° in December and I chose to ditch the opportunity to stand in the warmth and watch various Christmas scenes roll slowly by. Instead, I went to get dog food and pizza. It wasn’t even good pizza. Good dog food though, ’cause I love those guys. Why did I do something so foolish? Because I was feeling a little blue about the holidays. It was a temporary sadness; One that shouldn’t have been ignored. Ignoring feelings is never such a great idea. But since it had to do with this odd perception that I was missing out, choosing not to go was a silly choice. It wasn’t the one that would have made me smile. So, next time I feel like going somewhere and doing something, I am going to do it. Seems to me that a life well lived won’t get lived well unless I live it that way. Simple stuff. It’s always the simple stuff.
I went to the doctor yesterday for a routine physical. The topic of stress came up and I immediately dismissed it. “Stressed?! I’m not stressed. I have no reason to be stressed!” Yep, I actually said that.
My tense shoulders and waking up with a sore jaw from grinding my teeth would say otherwise.
I am experiencing stress.
The funny part is that I knew. I have been all up in my head, caught up in shit-storm of thoughts. My normally quiet mind has been on overdrive lately. Why? Hell, I don’t know. I have some clues but the thing is, as much as I have been taught to believe otherwise, stress doesn’t come from out there (or the stuff going on in life). It’s an internal thing. A message from the body saying hey! you’re caught up in your thinking. Wake up, yeah?
And for the record, I didn’t see this all on my own. I had help. Because I was on a call with Michael Neill. Yes, that Michael Neill. (Squeeeee!!!)
I knew it. But I couldn’t see it. Continue reading
I try not to default to coach mode when friends are talking to me about stuff going on that they’d prefer not be going on. But sometimes, I am a tiny bit of a dumbass and words come out of my mouth that ought noughta. Like the line I delivered yesterday about them being ready to take responsibility for their life.
I do have more compassion than Attila the Hun which is actually why I said what I shouldn’t have said. Especially because I really understand where they are coming from, having been there and done that *. But I forgot that, having left there since I was done with that *, the words “take responsibility” can sound about as unappealing as shoving a firecracker up your nose shortly after lighting the fuse. Responsibility? Um, no thank you… I’m a little busy trying to decide between a razor blade versus a chemical cocktail as viable routes to permanent snoozeville.
Except… perfection is perception. My dream-come-true life is an ever evolving growth process. Just when I think I’m fully awake to it, I learn something new and level up. This life creation stuff is constant work. (Ew, work! Another dirty word!) But it’s work that lights me up, not the drudgery kind of work that comes from being somebody besides me but the work that makes me a better me. I hope I keep working (on me and on waking other people up ‘cause that’s what I do) until the day I drop dead because, having been there and done that *, I now know how glorious life is. Even when the cat has thrown up on the couch or whatever bullshit goes down on any given day.
Life is a game. Play it hard or play it soft but for fuck’s sake, PLAY it!
When you’re ready. When you are done with being there and doing that *.
In the meantime, just know – and yes, I am about to go cliche on your ass – this too shall pass.
*Disclaimer: Your that may not be the same as my that. All thats are individual. But all thats are universal in that they all seem to suck mightily while you’re in the that.
I am in a dangerous head space. I am thinking thoughts that could easily take me out of my happy world and plant me square in another one where people are not to be trusted. Where relationship is less about connection and more about confused pain. A place where the illusion of separateness fuels fears that I really am alone in the world.
I could be really fucked here. Except…
Thanks to the gods and the humans who taught me to know better, I do. Even while looking down this very black rabbit hole, I am graced with the awareness that these thoughts are just thoughts. They are not real and I am not obligated in any way to believe them. Nor do I have to attempt to banish them, change them or resist them; No, that would be like handing them an engraved invitation to stay the night. And I want better company in my bed.
Just writing this has been enough for several of them – the smelly thoughts – to head for the door. The other free-loaders will leave too. Soon, another batch of thoughts will come along and I will feel better. Probably. I know my default headspace is happy so yeah, I feel pretty confident in this.
In the meantime, I will breathe. I will feel. I will take care of myself. Not with chocolate or wine or sex or whatever. But care. I will breathe and I will remember that the surest way to connection, available to me 24/7 is to simply say, silently to myself “connect to source” and let the love settle around my shoulders. That’s what connection feels like to me, a warm embrace shared among the all the living beings with whom I share this experience called life.
What was I saying about feeling alone? I forget…
Thank the gods and humans who taught me to know better.